I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD) a little
over a year ago. My reaction to the
diagnosis was mixed. At that point in my
life, I was completely numb to everything that was going on around me, detached
from my little girls, my husband, my friends.
I guess I could say I was relieved by the news, slightly comforted by
the fact that I had an excuse for how I was acting. The depression wasn’t me; it was something
that was happening to me.
Unfortunately, all that came with the diagnosis was a bottle
of little blue pills and a handful of books.
I needed help, and I thought I had asked for it. I couldn’t find support groups or therapists
because I would have a panic attack just thinking about having to pick up the
phone. The “what ifs” were incessant,
and I was drowning in them. I had to
completely depend on the help of those around me, primarily my husband who
truly became my knight-in-shining-armor.
Not only was I numb, detached, and anxious, I felt that I had absolutely
no control over what was happening to me.
I would try to talk to myself rationally, convince myself I’d be ok, but
emotionally I was consumed. I felt like
my life had stalled. I kept trying to
start it back up again, but something just wasn’t making a connection.
Slowly, things started to get better, and as they did, I
realized that I needed an outlet. I
needed a way to document what was happening, what I was seeing, how I was
feeling. I needed to put myself out
there so others could see and understand what was going on in my life. I picked up my camera and began a 365 day
project. I decided that if I made myself
pick up my camera everyday to learn something new about it, or about taking
pictures, or about post-processing, then I would be spending less time feeling
sorry for myself and I would start a new process of growth.
I failed miserably at my project, only making it 1/3 of the
way through, but that was only as far as I needed to go. Along the way I discovered some pretty amazing people, and they inspired
me over and over again,
though they may not have even realized it.
Not only that, but I was encouraged to try new things, to set
goals, and to take
risks. Most importantly, I found
myself surrounded by a community of strong and wise women who brought me back
from something dark and scary. I’m
finally at a place, one year later, that I feel I’m on top of things (though we
all have our down days). All it took was
working up the nerve to pick up my camera.
What has your camera done
for you?
**Cross-posted at Shutter Sisters**